Screaming Stooges

“Hey baby, what’s up?”
It happens to everyone. You’re stopped at a red light or walking down the street when you suddenly hear those adorable words coming from a human loud speaker, who nine times out of 10 would be attractive if he didn’t just holler something at you from his car.
My most recent incident with “the screamer” was last week.
I was driving down the 57 in basic bumper-to-bumper traffic when I suddenly heard someone honking at me. So I looked around, preparing to flip the bird to whoever it was that thought it was appropriate to honk at a person in gridlock. But when I looked to my right, I saw a guy in the SUV signaling with his arm for me to lower my window.
Now being the single 21-year-old woman I am, I simply assumed that he wanted directions, because let’s face it, with the distance from Cal State Fullerton to Disneyland, you get at least one lost tourist a week asking which exit he needs to take to get to the park.
So I lowered my window and turned my head over to see what Mr. SUV wanted when he leaned out of his car window and screamed, “I just wanted to let you know I think you’re really cute!”
Though “thank you” came out as my slightly confused reply, I thought, “Really buddy, if you want to know where Disneyland is, flattery is not necessary. I’m trying to listen to my Nine Inch Nails CD and you’re not helping with that matter.”
But apparently, this was a good signal to Mr. SUV as he then hollered at me, “So do you have a boyfriend?”
Now I was a bit taken by this question as Don Juan in the SUV looked to be at least 10 years my senior and had chosen to shave his head to hide his quickly-receding hairline. But thankfully, the cars in front of me seemed to understand the predicament I was in and thus cleared like the parting of the red sea, giving me exactly what I needed: a getaway.
So I gave Mr. SUV a quick smile and then booked it as fast as possible to the end of the freeway. Unfortunately, Mr. SUV must have seen this as an invitation because he tried to get beside my car again for the next 30 minutes as I drove home. Each time he did, I would raise the volume on my radio so that I couldn’t hear him.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “Virginia, that’s just mean. He could be a really great guy. Blah blah blah.”
But let’s be honest. Do you really want the first sentence that comes out of your mouth when asked how you two met to be “ I was driving down the freeway?” Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Which brings me to the moral of this little story. To all those men out there who take such actions as hollering out car windows or at women walking by: Do us all a favor and stop. It isn’t cute, it isn’t funny, and most of all, you look like a total loser who could potentially be mocked within the pages of a newspaper.
So Mr. SUV, wherever you are, good luck with the love life. Because if screaming compliments out windows is your best method of attracting women, well, I’m seeing a few cold nights in your future.